The Next Right Thing

My neighbor came over to give me tomatoes

and some basil sprigs from his garden.

He seemed agitated as we stood in my yard.

He petted my little dog Bela as I held him

and then he touched my arm

as he said goodbye:

“I have to go make dinner.”

I have to go make dinner for my girlfriend,

for my loving partner

that you don’t have

and in our nice cedar-sided house

with our friends who come over

for barbeques and beer on weekends,

unless we’re camping,

are we camping this weekend or next,

maybe next.  Can you look in on Lola Kitty?

He petted my arm.

It has been so long since someone has touched me,

caressed me.

I went into the house and cried.

I’m trying so hard to do the right thing.

The post-it asks:

What is the most compassionate thing

you can do for yourself right now?

I consider a beer and the couch,

and crying it out,

but I do core exercises and yoga,

followed by a half hour’s meditation outside:

blanket down, blank me on the green green green.

Back inside I check some poems online.

There’s a post on Hemingway at Key West,

and I recall my trip there

with boyfriend long gone,

arriving at the grenadine sunrise

with the roosters and the cats

and being swallowed by something in that house

some feeling came over me under the draping crystal

chandelier, as my hands passed over the field guides

that lined the shelves going up the white washed stairs,

gasping

and then to Cozumel

where I was horrible:  anxious and bitchy.

I just wanted a decent cup of coffee

I just wanted everything to be perfect.

I didn’t know.

I didn’t know how to live.

I want to make amends.

I apologize to the air,

poor boyfriend,

to myself:

I’m sorry,

I didn’t know.

And all that is gone.

It seemed that I used to go

places and do things.

Now I just stay at home.

I’ve gotten so much better, though.

This morning I, perfect me, who

glides through life with ease and grace,

knocked over and broke a full cup of beautiful Mayan coffee.

I didn’t cry, or swear, or try to blame the dogs.

I just mopped up the brown and jade shards

and made another cup.

I didn’t know

I could do that.