tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8807163676415407162024-03-12T21:53:09.036-05:00Bird in a BoxPoetry and SuchMiss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.comBlogger106125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-34411644989210377242014-09-28T14:14:00.001-05:002014-09-28T14:14:26.365-05:00for those who navigate these meshes<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>She sits on the bed, slowly laying out cards <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>on her cherry lapboard.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>A glass of Vinho Verde shines on the half moon bedside table,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Something sweet and baroque twists from the clock radio.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>She’s lovely, in her way, in midnight blue palazzo pants <br />
dotted with little stars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get lost in
their drape <br />
that butterflies down her legs, crossed at her ankles.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>There’s a fussy buzz of some winged creature <br />
caught in the milk white lamp globe, fusing with the lute and harp.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>The faint scent of blooms she picked floats my way—<br />
lily-like Hosta blossoms, white and trumpeting, <br />
a cluster of butter yellow bell-shaped flowers that grow in the yard, <br />
some herbaceous Bee Balm in plummy spikes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br />
She glances at me, checking to see how disrupted I am <br />
from my own pursuit in a book, brushing her hair back<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>from where it’s fallen across her black crop top.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>I was in the hills above Sarajevo, looking down on red roofs
and stone streets, <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>fingering my Browning, but I find myself moving closer to
her, <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>brushing against the small swath of skin on her belly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Feeling the luxury and warmth of it, of her, <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Believing that she spells out joy for me <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>in a mysterious tattoo beneath my touch,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>as she stretches her legs out to greet mine.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-46981032606876334532014-07-19T13:49:00.000-05:002014-07-19T13:49:11.064-05:00La Passeggiata<br /><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I know from experience that one can’t go walking one’s
beloved dogs forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not off the edge
of the earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not, perhaps, even for a
few stolen minutes at sunset.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found
that out yesterday.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
Yesterday was Sunday and overcast, threatening to rain, but never
delivering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent the day alone,
mostly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sporadically weeding, doing
laundry, dead-heading the washed out pale pink Bonica roses and golden Stella
D'oro lilies, turning from one thing to another and never quite completing
anything. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The dogs alternated lounging
on small rugs and beds to watching for bunnies in the front yard, eyeing the
mulberry tree for squirrels, worrying the base of the lilac for moles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After supper I sat on the back lawn, relaxed
on a faded blue-green canvas recliner, reading.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Dogs found spots nearby on the patio to lie down and yet keep a sly
watch for movement from me, or any errant creature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The evening was quiet, amazingly so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard no neighbors, no motors (only some
quite distant).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was reading Jean Rhys’
“Good Morning, Midnight” about a woman set adrift in Paris.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And though it was peppered with French
phrases, I could parse them out well enough:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What is she doing here?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That old
woman?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I felt for the protagonist,
alone, without purpose, a bit damaged, and trying to stay alive, to move
through this life quietly, invisibly, if possible.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
I took a small break from reading, breathing in the wonder of the quiet, to see
that the sky had opened up, the smudgy haze had broken apart to reveal pale
blue expanses marked with puffing pink and orange tipped cumulonimbus clouds billowing
up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decided to talk the dogs for a
walk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">We walked down to the creek, which is our usual route.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The streets were silent, but away from our
house the wind was picking up and clearing out the sky into more high thunderclouds,
both pinker and more orange, to the north and east (and thus, not coming towards
us).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The light was turning golden as we
came nearer the water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The creek was
full, but still.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here and there a
bullfrog sounded a thick, waterlogged twang from the banks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A night heron flitted from between some
locust trees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We moved through patches of
midges, which clouded around my face, but didn’t deter the dogs, which were busily
sniffing the edges of tree roots and mown burdock along the rises of newly
blooming elderberry bushes showing sprays of white dots in the darkening
green.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our movement also stirred up the
mosquitoes, which began to light on my arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I pulled the dogs along, away from the water and up to the grassy park. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cottonwoods were shimmering with the breeze,
each leaf applauding into one another so ecstatically it seemed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I rejoiced a little with them and wondered
how long I could walk like this, in this lush twilight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought of how no one else was out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I passed houses where I saw televisions on, a
man with his laptop parked on a couch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
thought about how romantic it was to stroll the street at dusk, the freshness of
the air, the show of the clouds, the holy silence of the earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought about being in Italy and how the
evening brought the promenade, the walking around the piazza, before supper,
being out amongst others, being a community, flirting, seeing and being
seen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suddenly I felt tired, and I
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turned, pulling dogs with me, to go home.</span>
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Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-56449746306982882232014-03-03T18:58:00.003-06:002014-03-03T18:59:41.065-06:00You got married<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>It seemed obvious once I said it,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>yet, I couldn’t picture it clearly at all, <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>the wedding, your bride . . . <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Waiting at the checkout,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>those in front of me all seemed to have<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>complicated transactions—<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>vouchers, exemptions.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>They looked rather well-fed and well-to-do.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Then all the cashiers walked out.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>I was irate.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>What was this country coming to?<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>What happened to good service?<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Or any service at all?</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>I wanted to yell at somebody.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>No one was listening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>The President had resigned.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Didn’t I know?<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Was the First Lady a lesbian?<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Someone asked.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>And so, some sort of coup<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>happened while I was getting groceries. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>The spring sun was warm </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>and everyone poured into the streets.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Water slowly trickled, melting off.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>I felt it,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Cool on the yellow walls<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Vibrant on the pavement.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>I brushed my hand against the stucco<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>and tried to make sense of it,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>to feel what was real,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>if anything,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>but it was all so distant,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>any danger/chaos/bloodshed,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>a fog above a thawing pond.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>I could see two or three dogs<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>rambling down the street,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>fighting amiably.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>I sat on the curb<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>and you settled next to me<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>as I slowly caressed the rue<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>that was growing up,</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>pale and new,</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>through the cracks,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>and the detritus—<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Yellow bits<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>of discarded sponges.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>and crumpled plastic cups.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>You started to speak<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>And I pretended to understand:<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Destiny, dynasty,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>It all meant nothing to me.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>You choked on “rococo” <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>And your voice went up<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Like a bird<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>To a high branch,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>And I saw<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>The whitened bones of a steer<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Resting there,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Gently draped<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>As if asleep.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>And you, too,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Incongruent,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Washed up by some long ago flood,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>And now here beside me,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Black and white<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>In your lace trimmed<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>hounds tooth.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Your hands<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Anchored so easily<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Between my legs.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>As we watched<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>The people and <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>The dogs,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>The smoke rising in the distance,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>And the thinning sun,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Setting.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>You knelt closer<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>And I felt<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Some cool murmur,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>the smooth<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>dark lining<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Of your heart,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>and the coming night.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-23082092392429330162013-11-17T15:27:00.001-06:002013-11-17T16:03:25.256-06:00loveletter<div class="MsoNormal">
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The silent fold of paper</div>
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that curved into shadows,</div>
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the sly light shining</div>
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from your emerald ring.</div>
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You think that I've forgotten.</div>
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Or you've forgotten</div>
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Me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Once, we wandered </div>
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into shops,</div>
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felt the icy wonder</div>
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of jewels caught</div>
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in nets of silver.</div>
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I saw how you blossomed</div>
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away from the crowd;</div>
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warm petals of your hidden</div>
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in those worn aisles,</div>
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sweet cardamom cream.</div>
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<br /></div>
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On the street again</div>
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to grey cobbles</div>
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in darkness,</div>
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I whisper your name,</div>
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And realize</div>
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it's no longer true.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Still, I will </div>
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repeat it over and over,</div>
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trying to conjure</div>
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that plush weft</div>
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of your London suit</div>
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green like the water</div>
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melding moor to sea,</div>
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green like my heart, of course,</div>
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pulled into your kitchen</div>
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where you coyly mashed</div>
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the tight pearls of jasmine tea,</div>
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the copper patina</div>
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against the deep red</div>
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oriental patterened rugs,</div>
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and later with olives</div>
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eagerly dispensing their fleshy coats</div>
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under our teeth.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I thought you were a fierce adept</div>
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of birds and vines,</div>
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so natural in your breathless flow.</div>
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Damselflies floated </div>
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on the walls</div>
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behind the gloss</div>
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of your haloed hair.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I ranged your library,</div>
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seeking out in which volumes</div>
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you might have secreted </div>
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childhood violets.</div>
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The scent of their decay</div>
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leading me on.</div>
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I felt a glass of sherry</div>
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in my hand,</div>
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catching some last light</div>
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of Sunday,</div>
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when we'd let that Fado</div>
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recording spin and</div>
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cover our unspoken</div>
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Always.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Do the campions still bravely wave</div>
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rosy greetings </div>
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this late</div>
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in the season?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Hello, Hello</div>
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Farewell</div>
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<br /></div>
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as we trail</div>
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away,</div>
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tracing </div>
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the night</div>
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air.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-66014915653274797542013-04-03T10:24:00.003-05:002013-04-03T10:24:52.867-05:00Where Beauty Rhymes with Vulnerability<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">He touched the ice rimming his plate of oysters, those poor little crystals, slowly deteriorating. In his mind he saw her with her coat collar pulled up, framing her face, so indistinct, yet seemingly so warm and inviting, as little snowflakes graced her hair. How sentimental he had become about her already, not knowing her at all, but letting himself muse on the delight of snowflakes caught in some grassy wave of her hair. He smiled. Oh, maybe it was the alcohol, but there was no harm in it either way. Does thinking make it so? How would it matter? Thoughts swam in and out constantly. Which stuck? Which set up shop, as it were? </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">He brought his fingers to his lips. Suddenly a strong perfume of hyacinth so pungent and feminine startled him. He looked around to see if someone had slipped up beside him unbeknownst, but he sat alone at the bar. Where had he been, then? He had gone to get some groceries after his trip to the hardware store. What had he touched? Fish, cream, coffee, a pack of mushrooms, a tin of tea. The cashier? He couldn’t picture her just yet. Some dumpy woman, with dark strings of hair. Were her hands slathered with such a strong scent? Had they touched his? A receipt passed between them. That was all.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19.5px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">What scent would she wear? His blue-robed oyster princess in the snow? He brought his fingers back to his nose. It was almost choking thick and sweet as a hothouse in spring: now jasmine, now lilies. He pulled back a little. Just a touch here on his fingers could make him nostalgic for something as yet unknown, a swing of silk in a hallway. But a whole pasture of it, a whole swath of a woman dripping in such scent—one wouldn’t be able to breathe. His happy reverie was broken. He had dark thoughts again. Women were difficult. He returned his attention to the oysters and ordered another drink. </span></div>
Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-3124927972028112972013-04-03T10:23:00.000-05:002013-04-03T10:23:29.544-05:00The Timid Light Around It<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19.5px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">She thought for a long time about the various birds she brought to her story in the car. Why had she chosen them: hawk, raven, crane—surely there were more melodious names, more colorful ones. Would Dell’s son have joined in if she had called out other names? No, it wasn’t her words; something else was holding him back. Was he grown-up already and suddenly too shy to speak his mind and let loose his usual parade of the fantastic? She wouldn’t know. In so much of life, our minds are elsewhere. Some one had said that more poetically than I, she thought. I have my dead. That was Rilke. Why did she think of that now? Grief slipped in like a thief, when one’s mind was wandering. I have my dead. Yes. Mine. A collision of losses seeped in, crowding her thoughts. She walked to the windows to see the loons had returned. It felt too early, too sudden. A melancholy came with the draping mist, pulled like wool over the olive water of the lake. One loon preened its black and white herringbone feathers while the other floated silently, two solitary figures in this muted world. The redbud on the shore that once was so brightly pink with blossoms, was now hung with a few yellowing cordate leaves. The locusts next to it had long ago shed their petal-like growth, and once-gilded leaves littered the muddy black earth below like some shrugged off cloak. She turned to tell someone this and only found a dusty ficus, inherited from her mother, that somehow kept its dull life afloat in this still indoor life of no birds, no bees. Who was she thinking she would tell? </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19.5px;">
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<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19.5px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">She lit the two white tapers and drew a bath. She poured herself a Pastis. How cloudy it was: The drink, the world, her mind. How cloudy and how white: The bathtub, the candles, her skin. She let herself slip into the heat of the bath, smoothly soft the porcelain, like the marble of him. How she had felt the heat, that terribly violent and delicate machinery that ran under his skin, beneath that thin weave of his white shirt, patterned with small red leaves, tiny acanthus. How would it feel to have them drift down over her?</span></div>
<div>
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Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-44358847446695149802013-04-01T14:39:00.000-05:002013-04-01T14:39:04.826-05:00Painted with Birds and Insects Amongst Blossoming Branches
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<span style="font-size: large;">The teapot had drawn him in—its blue pattern calling from
some past; a dream perhaps. Her dress,
yes, blue slubbed with white, twined over and over, long like how his bones
felt now that he remembered, something deep and flowing through him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">He wasn’t going to that shop, just passing by on his way to
the hardware store for some couplings.
Some couplings, dammit. And then
the blue in the window glinted, caught his eye.
He went in feeling too large, of course, too unsteady. If only it had been some bigger place, some
vast anonymous brightly lit box where he could slide into an aisle unnoticed
and browse with his eyes scanning the shelves, his fingers free to touch
without any questions. But it was a
cubbyhole of a teashop, a dark acrid den.
He was afraid to ask about the pot.
He didn’t want to hear its provenance—how it was Delft or Chinese or
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. . . .<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You like that pot?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Oh please, he thought, don’t say it, don’t tell me. “Yes,” he nodded, looking downward,
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<span style="font-size: large;">Just then another customer banged through the door, jangling
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I need Green Tea. And White
Peony. Do you have these?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Oh, thank god, he thought.
While the proprietor re-directed her gaze, he reached quickly into the
window display and grabbed the teapot, pressing the blue shining ceramic to his
cheek. A sleek, cold rush; thrilling,
like popping one’s head out at night from an overwarm house to just catch a
glimpse of a sliver of the moon before it was shrouded again in frosty
clouds. “Forgive me. Forgive me, my love,” he whispered to the
soft glaze, the tiny twists of stems and wings.
Just as quickly as he had grabbed it, he replaced the pot and left the
store. Back on the blaze of the sunlit
street, he felt his heart burring, his whole being smiling. What, what was he doing?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">He had gone mad. He
shrugged and kept going. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-12519120401712564172013-03-31T18:03:00.000-05:002013-03-31T18:03:30.237-05:00Typhoid Mary Never Washed Her Hands
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<span style="font-size: large;">The Saab broke down again.
This would have sent me into a panic of money worries, but Dell never
seemed to panic. Her previous man had
been a mechanic—I knew that. She got on
the phone and had the silver beast towed.
At the shop she spoke authoritatively to the repairman. She had a list of probable causes in her head
she was ticking off, knowing how much each item should cost, weighing the
repair costs over the worth of the car.
Meanwhile, as the man looked things up on his computer, she was
continuing her previous conversation with me, complaining about her husband as
girlfriends do, just little annoyances: How he wasn’t aligned with her. How he didn’t understand her completely. How he wasn’t affectionate when she felt low
and in need of it. And I thought, Oh,
why can’t he be magnificent? Why this
sagging gap between men and women? But
then there was all that I didn’t see, the mystery that arched between them and
them alone. I thought of the men I knew
and how they were. How were they? Did I remember? It was the long silences that tripped me up,
perplexed me. What I wanted was a
blessed communion of souls and I could only come to blank, shamed silences,
lying on the floor mute and still. Had
men’s feelings been so raw and so stoppered that when they broke such terrible
floods burst out and destroyed every tender bridge leaving nothing in their wake? I
could not speak to the emptiness I had witnessed. It tore at my own understanding and blurred
my belief in the order of the world. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">As Dell was talking, I noticed a molar in my mouth had gone
wrong. It seemed to be hanging lower
than usual, worrying my tongue. Oh! Dell said that her dentist was right next to
this shop. He was so wonderful; he
always found time for any emergency no matter how small. He wouldn’t mind fixing it for me. She took me straight over to his office. A tan, muscled, and grinning man in a tight
short-sleeved white jacket greeted us. I
immediately hated him. He kept rubbing
his hands together greedily as though he couldn’t wait to get them in my mouth. I wanted to leave, but my tooth! I had to have it fixed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Dell left me with the good doctor and went back to the
repair shop to finish her business there.
He sat me down at the base of a small theater with all of his interns
blabbing and joking in the seats above us, as students will before class starts. He was explaining the procedure to me. How important it was. He sensed my hesitation. Of course I had the option of doing nothing,
he said with a grin, and get along just fine if I wished, for the moment. I could ignore my molar, but at what cost in
the future? What about sex? I blanched at that. Was he saying how important it was for my
orifice to be the sweet smooth vessel for a male organ? That my oral health was primarily for the
good of mankind? Of course he hadn’t
said that. Why did my mind go there? I could hear all the students murmuring
approval and agreeing. What <i>was</i> he saying, then? I shook my head and blinked and saw that he
wasn’t looking at me, but pointing to illustrations of the operation. The molar would have to come out. Teeth were primitive. Enamel and bone in the mouth had served our
ancestors, but decades of research had brought modern dentistry to the point
where teeth were irrelevant, replaceable by . . . and he showed a diagnostic
diagram so fantastic and incomprehensible to me as though it were the inner
workings of a massive mechanical Leviathan.
And the scrub-wearing youth kept up their loud commentary behind
us. Look, I said to the dentist, can’t
we do this in your office? It seemed
that my private inner workings were being displayed, something so embarrassing
and personal and somehow shameful. Oh,
she has teeth, then? No one has <i>those</i> anymore. I turned to them and began to scream. Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! I screamed and screamed at them until a bell
sounded and they all left. 5 pm. Quitting time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I left, too. There is
nothing wrong with me, I mumbled to myself.
My tooth is fine, a little long and sore, but I’ll live.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I walked to a vineyard where the vines were old, over 50
years like me, I thought. Maybe that
wasn’t so old. Dusty fat grapes hung off
them, almost brown in their ripeness. I
picked one and it split open like a fig and its juice spilled out into my mouth
as flavors unrolled like a carpet. New
patterns kept emerging, bright and sweet yet threaded with dark notes. I’ve planted all of this. And I’ll keep planting. All these long rows like a pipeline heading .
. . I kept walking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Dell picked me up in front of the theater. The weather had turned cold and her face with
rimmed with a fur-lined hood, like Diana, like a fantastical huntress. Her young son was with her. I told him about a man driving 100mph
there. It was Dell’s ex-husband, the
boy’s father, but I kept that part to myself.
I made him into a legend and started to spin a story about him: The dangerous maniac who had flown down streets
and terrorized little dogs and children.
No one could stop him, no one
dared and he had driven the same route we were on. He just kept speeding along until he was
airborne, I said, just as our car hit the crest of a hill, just as I looked at
Dell and wondered why she was driving so fast. “And then he flew with black hawks and came
down into a blackened valley of ravens and cranes.” I continued, “swarmed by plump pigeons colored like koi,
orange and white, lolling on wires by a barn.”
Her son looked at me askance and went back to his red and blue Legos,
smashing one into another.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Dell, I need coffee,” I told her. “I’m sorry.
I forgot to get one earlier.” She
glared at me for a minute and then relented.
She didn’t want to stop, but she knew a place. We pulled over. I realized that I really wanted a French press,
but it would take too long. We entered
the coffee shop. A man and his aged
father were in line with us. I quickly
decided to order a latte, which was the fastest word I could think of. The old man was asking for a burgundy and
beef roast. His son was trying to pull
him back. “Dad, they don’t have that
here, it’s a coffee place.” Dad
persisted. “Burgundy. What do you have for burgundy? Meat loaf will be alright if you don’t have a
roast, and potatoes, mashed, with gravy.”
He turned to look at me. I was
trying not to stare back. I lowered my
eyes. I felt embarrassed for my rushed
order of a latte. What he was ordering
actually sounded better. His son was
mortified and I couldn’t help but share in his discomfort. But
what shame was there in asking for what one really wanted? The old man had a thin blue worn washcloth in
his hands. He brought it up to my mouth
and began wiping my lips. “Hold still,”
he said, “I’ll get it.” He brushed the soft
terrycloth over and all around my mouth.
I don’t know what was on my lips, but I let him wipe me clean. I don’t know.
I don’t know. But I let him wipe
me clean anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-17972265166573404722012-11-18T15:07:00.001-06:002012-11-18T15:07:08.151-06:00All at Once<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">The night air is close </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"> like jasmine tea,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">petals pressed in leaves of musty books,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"> wistful spun silk.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">You </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"> distant planet</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"> Some drift of acanthus.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Slow rain drops</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Intently.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Green grey </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> The wind.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Dropping my</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">My solitude,</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> all at once.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-27427615921408254702012-11-18T11:09:00.000-06:002012-11-18T11:09:00.582-06:00The Hiss of Fossils<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Africa is so arid.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>We glide over Kenya, where I’ve never been.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>The shrubby carpetweed and purslane clump;</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>outposts of savanna trees seen from our plane.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>And the sudden grace of being airborne,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>while just walking on clay-pack landfill,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>a sunwashed track on a hillock of trash,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>the exhilarant height from my head</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>to the ground,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>returns me to that buried child,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>diving most earnestly into play.</i></span></div>
Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-40697479876070806822012-10-27T20:59:00.002-05:002012-11-18T11:22:25.864-06:00I drew a line<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I remember a stopping point</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>leading up to full bloom,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>shaking and wondering:</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Why haven’t I done this before?</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I came hard and cried:</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Green irises exploding in jaguar spots.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I cry sometimes.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Sometimes I cry.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I didn’t feel bad</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>about the train sex.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I was afraid of the next stop,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>but I didn’t feel bad.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I didn’t speak.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I couldn’t.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I drew a line.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Today is better</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>than yesterday.</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I just let it be,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>just curled like so;</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Like a pillow in a case,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>a hand around a book,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Just so.</i></span></div>
Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-75342856902159179462012-09-04T13:11:00.000-05:002012-09-04T17:59:46.550-05:00you just have to fold<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
</div>
<div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix" style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 20px; word-wrap: break-word; zoom: 1;">
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
</div>
<div style="line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<br />
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">She prefers Rachmaninov to Wagner and I think, “Good Girl!”</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The girl who is a little mad for the Beatles and looks lovely and shy,</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">hair parted with barrettes, falling in love . . . perhaps . . .</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">But she states her preferences, she does have that.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I’ve gotten sucked into something that’s not me, not my life.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I’m ungrounded and wandering full of longing, unspeakable,</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">because obsessions are ungodly that way</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">and make people hate you after awhile; even your best friends can’t stand to listen to you.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I pin Marlboro ads of glossy horses</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">all around my high, four-poster bed fitted with the white chenille</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">and tear through Barbara Cartland Romances</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Guiltily.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">It’s not right. It’s not right.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">But I don’t know what else to do.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">There is the lonely high desert beauty of the wild horses</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">and the sweet young innocents and their bodices,</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">to be sacrificed to love, the beauty of it,</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">the stiff mount of the paramour,</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">if it could just be so on this hill,</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.495237350463867px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">this golden mesa.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">A plate of haddock and chips </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">and a pint and a half of Guinness later,</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">we finally got around to men.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">What did we want.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I feel high and flirty suddenly.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I dismiss the men at the end of the bar as too old, but then, the one with glasses . . .</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">And salt and pepper hair, perhaps . . . a somber aspect, vinegary.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Just like us, two friends out for a drink on a holiday night.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">On a holiday, you just have to fold your hand, my friend said.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">It takes so long to tighten it up, to straighten things, you just have to fold.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Too old. I think again. Then not knowing what age means.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">How old am I?</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I just want someone who likes me, my friend says.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Huh, I snort. But she’s right.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">If only someone would be pleasant, nice.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">“I’m the nice guy who every girl says she wants, but really doesn’t.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Gah, who wants to deal with that massive annoyance.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I shut the dating site down with the snap of the laptop. No one. No one there for me.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Desire. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">She tells me that I don’t want a mirror of myself</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">after I tell her that I do.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The glasses behind the bar shine and I smile.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">My mother picked the difficult one. She wanted a challenge!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I pick younger. My friend wants older.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Alright, then, we aren’t conjoined twins,</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">although sympathic and invested in this friendship.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I feel bad for having scoffed at her interest in knitting.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Just because I’m that sort. To judge it as what Old Women Do:</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Baby their pets and knit and cry at movies or in public on buses.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">And I’m NOT OLD!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Why shouldn’t she churn out loads of knotted patterns?</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">What am I doing with myself? Drawing. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I start to sketch the bottle of grenadine and an imagined crème</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">with stars and stylized sunflowers like a schoolgirl.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">How could I be in love with someone who didn’t like</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Crème Anglaise?</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">It’s her turn to snort.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I had practiced that one. I knew she would get it.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Crème Anglaise.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I draw my spoon in paisleys through it,</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">press the embossed sterling beads to my lips,</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">inhaling the mix of vanilla and metal,</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">like buttons,</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">And the tweed, the cedary tweed.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I think of the boy who smelled of a Linden Tree.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">And so thin, a lovely trunk and limbs.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I wrapped around him like a vine,</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">green and urgent.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">And the way his hair curled to a small fascinating delta</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">on the nape of his neck.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I sigh.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The Mississippi of him</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The long dark warmth</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The river at night</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">So dangerous and vibrant with a play of moonlight</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Lapping.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">That was my year of twenty-one year olds</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He was the brightest, really.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Though he inevitably slipped me a stone.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He smiled at me with his hand holding Rilke</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">And said I had to come home with him.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">And I did. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">A smile. If only.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He’s a lawyer now. I found him online.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I can only shake my head. He wanted to help people, he said.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I wish I could see him again. But he has probably gone all soft and the flame gone out.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Men don’t seem to age well.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Have I?</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I can’t tell. Sometimes it seems that I barely know anything about myself.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I have to have dreams to talk sense into me. I can’t seem to trust my desires in daylight.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">That’s it. Trust.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">It has been broken. Over and over. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Like a good girl myself, I listen to Beethoven</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">In the morning. A distant thunder.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Sucking in papery woodbine</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">And downing coffee.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Stamping through the garden</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">in a black ink peignoir and coral Happi coat,</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">flushing out Japanese Beetles from wrinkled pink bonicas and the</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">golden raspberries, drowning them in soap.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The dew washing my feet.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The waffle iron is smoking, too.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Brahms is what I want, I think.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Something soothing.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">What do I want?</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">When my professor asked me in Pyatigorsk,</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I lied. I wanted him. I wanted him to hold me.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">To love me. I wanted him not to have feet of clay.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I wanted him to be my perfect mentor, my father, my teacher.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">But I asked for my friends. I was very drunk on Georgian Champagne and very homesick. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I wanted love, but I couldn’t trust those words.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He sat and let me cry. That was a great gift. I didn’t know it then, but it was a gift.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Not to try and fix me, but to let me be. To let the backwater of my heart unstop and flow</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">in quiet tears. As he stood guard, smoking like a dragon, folded at the end of my bed, still as Buddha.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Weep, then, little one, weep.</span></div>
</div>
<br />Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-52533962233025287152012-08-05T11:01:00.001-05:002012-08-06T18:40:53.177-05:00Louise said Heaven<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">I don’t think I’ll see any lovers this morning</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">rising from dewy meadows, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">twined like bind weeds<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">and blooming pink hued and golden<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">with such clinging desire.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">This morning only grey plumed pigeons<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">paired on the power plant lines<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">below sleeping peregrines.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">You went through London’s swamp<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">clutching that last thing, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">the mantlepiece clock<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">and its key for winding.
<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">What happened to perpetual motion? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Timepieces, simple mechanics, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">just hands sweeping around a dial, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">the earth around the sun, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">the shifting moon factored in. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">No confusion, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">clouds come up, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">but the mountain stands still, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">the erosion, the plates underneath, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">too slow to register any significant error. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Yet always the friction.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Louise said heaven.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Some pale plateau glowing <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">in her fervent imagination, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">but also tangible<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">like a thatch of a chestnut’s mane <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">that you can’t help but thread your fingers through <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">and hold close, inhaling the musk and fire. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Who named you and made you other. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">And what energy fuels this need to grasp <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">and stake some claim, graze into the next pasture.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">The senses sway and pull us under the blue green caress in
waves.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">We glean and gather and pack our hearts with rough bales,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Only to pull out later<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Sad amber catches of eyelashes and kisses,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">faint pockets of breathless gasps<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">on the edges of desks, perhaps,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">where beauty falls<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">in each swerving atom<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">and should they collide . . . .<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-43503615469253657122012-07-21T15:25:00.001-05:002012-07-21T15:25:46.599-05:00Or the sea . . .<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">"She trusts me," I overhear you say</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">on one of the many calls you walk outside to take,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">and some smooth stone slips over my heart.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Your eyes, which held such sweetness, now look caged.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I miss the graceful swing of the string between us:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">the simple kiss, quiet first, then asking for more.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">"I only want you to be happy," felt sincere,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">so easy, but now, I don't know.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Your tongue on mine is thick</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">and drunk from crying</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">as I reach my hand to yours.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">We tryst, we sweat and moan, the sea itself;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">drowning all thoughts in this pitching cauldron.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">In the morning, through the blinds,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">a shy lavender light,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">laced with butterscotch</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">and dusty mullien</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">illuminates</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">a sweet Sargasso</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">of weedy down</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">on your face,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">swirling in a gyre</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">around your grave</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">and silent lips</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">once again.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-4195786205572087972012-07-11T22:17:00.000-05:002012-07-11T23:02:55.340-05:00Synchronicity, Spiritus Mundi, "The Shirt! The Shirt!", or, crap, I've really lost it and gone off the deep end.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-V4M-2yDCukM/T_430xxzeII/AAAAAAAAAO0/rFVhKBeYkao/s1600/benbridgestar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="426" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-V4M-2yDCukM/T_430xxzeII/AAAAAAAAAO0/rFVhKBeYkao/s640/benbridgestar.jpg" width="640" /></a></span></i></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">Benedict Cumberbatch--production photo from "Third Star"</span></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><td style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--cCYKMhZGv4/T_48ZYxTptI/AAAAAAAAAPI/EOb5lPrlJN0/s1600/thirdstarcasttea.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="424" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--cCYKMhZGv4/T_48ZYxTptI/AAAAAAAAAPI/EOb5lPrlJN0/s640/thirdstarcasttea.jpg" width="640" /></a></span></i></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;">The cast from "Third Star" takes a break and has tea</span></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I had a dream after watching the film "Third Star," an independent British film in which the main character, played by Benedict Cumberbatch, is dying of cancer and wants to take one last trip to the coast of Wales with his mates. The main impact
of the film on me was the
portrayal of this group of young men as caring and being able to be
emotionally open and vulnerable; qualities I want to believe men have,
or are capable of, but which I haven't experienced firsthand from guys
in any satisfactory way.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In my dream I was suddenly with someone
and I felt this great relief--that I could stop fighting and struggling
so hard and just relax and know that this person, this guy, cared about
me, almost implicitly, instinctively, as though we had always known each
other and there was no fear or anxiety. I don't know who he was, I
couldn't see him clearly, but I did notice his shirt. He was wearing
this white/off-white thin cotton shirt with a delicate, almost floral
reddish/pink pattern on it. In the dream, in my letting go, I just
wanted to put my head on his shoulder. I wanted him to support me, hold
me. I had all this sorrow and struggle in me and I wanted to let
it go. As I moved in closer to lean on him, I felt this terrific heat
rising up from his torso from beneath his shirt. I suddenly felt that I
had misjudged him, that I had made him into this strong impermeable
rock that would hold me; maybe not misjudged, but not known completely
because I hadn't previously been aware of his sorrows, his struggles,
his vulnerability, his human frailty. How much was he like me? I could
feel his heart beating, but it was jagged, as if he was only kept alive
by some fragile and powerful grace, both mystic and wild.<br /><br />This dream felt very real and dear to me. I took it as a message that I can and
will find the connection I crave, that I will find
someone safe, a soul mate.</span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /><br />I wanted very much to write about
this in a poem, but I kept getting hung up on the shirt. I did some Google
searches but I couldn't find what I wanted. I wanted a poetic fabric, but batiste, though favored by Tolstoy, seemed too obscure, too distracting. I just couldn't come up with a
terse, poetic description. This was what I wrote:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Last night I was thinking:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">You, oh, you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Like a comfort, as though your shoulder</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"> was a pillow for my
sorrows.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">But when I rested my head there,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">the warmth of your torso blazed up like a furnace</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">and I felt the sudden fragility of your pulse </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">through the thin print of your shirt,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">the unease of the machinery,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">tremulous </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">and shuddering.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Ah,
well, anyway, "the thin print of your shirt" was the best I could do.
So, blah. But I was pretty pleased with the rest of the poem (<a href="http://boxedbird.blogspot.com/2012/06/iridium-nib.html">Iridium Nib</a>), and so it
goes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Anyway, a couple of days ago I was trolling
around the internet. After "Third Star" I watched another small,
independent film that Benedict did--"Wreckers"--which kind of screwed
with my head because it's one of those films where nothing is quite as
it seems. I found a short, but insightful forum on the plot of the film
on the wonderfully named "The Baker Street Supper Club" website. I also found
a "Wreckers" page on Facebook. So, yeah, these small budget films want
to promo themselves, so they have FB pages with lots of fun pictures
and behind the scenes stuff. I had a great time looking at all the
passionate, creative types who are never seen on camera, but do lots of work
planning out shots, and painting scenes and dressing sets and the
actors. The art people seemed like people one would like to hang out
with. They had lovely lunches with piles of fruits and veggies and
baguettes on the set. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3jlTEA176_I/T_4yy3brvjI/AAAAAAAAAOY/P6zYWIwxFU8/s1600/183221_181479565227375_7741119_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="427" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3jlTEA176_I/T_4yy3brvjI/AAAAAAAAAOY/P6zYWIwxFU8/s640/183221_181479565227375_7741119_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The Art Crew on "Wreckers" have Lunch. Love that wallpaper!</span></span></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NYRKYQFJ01o/T_4zc46pS8I/AAAAAAAAAOg/3Oqlr7LSPxk/s1600/wreckersdog_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="424" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NYRKYQFJ01o/T_4zc46pS8I/AAAAAAAAAOg/3Oqlr7LSPxk/s640/wreckersdog_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The Dog, Lucy, and the Production Designer, Beck Rainford, on "Wreckers." I just couldn't skip this photo--too cute!</span></span></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_lcaoPeKfMM/T_41WNtgdyI/AAAAAAAAAOo/9KxokqRHLB0/s1600/crewcoolingwreckers_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_lcaoPeKfMM/T_41WNtgdyI/AAAAAAAAAOo/9KxokqRHLB0/s640/crewcoolingwreckers_n.jpg" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Crew Member of "Wreckers" resting on location in The Fens</span></span></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I felt some connection with these people. In my job as a Pastry Chef at a convention center, I am behind the
scenes, too, doing my creative work and remaining anonymous and
invisible. My team and I work like hell on a big project and then it's over.
OK, so on to the next show. That's how it goes. Not many laurels to rest upon.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">So, back to scrolling around the web. I wanted to find similar "behind the scenes" stuff for "Sherlock." Oh, my. This show has an incredible following and a host of websites devoted to almost any aspect you can imagine. Like that wallpaper in 221B? Well, you can buy it, or the teapot, or the perfume Irene Adler wore. Gah. Too much stuff. I can see, though, that I am hardly alone in my obsession. That makes me feel somewhat better, or at least not as crazy.
Anyway, just rummaging through Sherlock pictures and sites and I found this--the
shirt! the shirt!--from some panel discussion somewhere. God, I almost fell off my deluxe executive task chair. This is
the shirt from my dream. Why is Benedict wearing it? Why did I dream
about it in detail? What does this mean? I have lost it. I am supposed to be having fun with this obsession, right? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_69cspjRN8k/T_48FRdhoQI/AAAAAAAAAPA/qLW5rDfV8zg/s1600/theshirt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_69cspjRN8k/T_48FRdhoQI/AAAAAAAAAPA/qLW5rDfV8zg/s640/theshirt.jpg" width="424" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The Shirt! The Shirt!</span></span></i> </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-55575110132478579622012-06-19T14:45:00.001-05:002012-06-30T21:17:32.186-05:00Dorianne found a bolt of silk and I have a jasmine tea<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">The scent of her you remember the longest, I suppose.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Not consciously, but buried like a recital piece you once</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">worked over so stiffly, like a sore tooth, but now can’t
even hum,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">until you pass by an open window where notes
start and then suddenly stop sharp,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">or you hear someone say “air” with a small rise at the end,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">as though they had meant to swallow it, but a gust had
lofted it</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">like silken milkweed at dusk.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">And her skin, yes, the warmth of it, the buttermilk sheen</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">that deepened to sweet citrine as the summer bloomed.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">You walked up hills together. In the bright sun,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">in the open places, the snakes uncoiled on stones,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">the wasps wavered over pink balm that stood </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">both so earnestly straight-stemmed and faintly wilted at the leaves.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">And then her hand closed tightly around yours,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">as she spied, with a small gasp of wonder,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">an elk cow, softly feeding on the grass by the pines.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Her hand just as quickly released,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">as the cow bolted towards the trees,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">and in the stars that could not yet be seen,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">a lovely queen let her head tilt back,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">with her distant hair</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">so flowing, so free.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-59546839637841570602012-06-19T10:20:00.001-05:002012-06-19T10:20:41.431-05:00Ode to a Nightingale<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/HrAGCJJkNbE?fs=1" width="459"></iframe>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-91587851026206695712012-06-17T18:26:00.000-05:002012-06-17T18:26:11.882-05:00Iridium Nib<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I’m watching the Mulberry, waiting for the Oriole’s quick,
graceful flash:<span> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Each season, the last to arrive, the first to leave.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">The Grackles mob in, the Robins squawk at each other, their
fledglings,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">A pale Viceroy flutters by the daylilies, then a
Monarch.<span> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I had a small, neat stack of your letters; standard white
business envelopes,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">tri-folded eight by elevens inside, filled with your harried
scratch.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I can almost see your fingers lankly flicking that fast
tattoo</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">of black twisted lace across each silken page.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">A short stack like pancakes, creamy blintzes.<span> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I wonder what you had meant to say to me,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">in those notes from the coast.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I wanted to ask if you had ever smelled oranges, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">or almonds in bloom, or heard the ocean’s shush.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">But those letters I had kept tight in a crush of blue rubber
bands;</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">they frayed, they flew away.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Last night I was thinking:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">You, oh, you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Like a comfort, as though your shoulder was a pillow for my
sorrows.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">But when I rested my head there,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">the warmth of your torso blazed up like a furnace</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">and I felt the sudden fragility of your pulse </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">through the thin print of your shirt,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">the unease of the machinery,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">tremulous </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">and shuddering.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">There, there he is . . .</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">but no sweet slurring whistle here.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">He quickly picks the darkest berries</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">then flies away to the high trees by the creek,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">the Cottonwoods, the White Elms</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">where the woven <span></span>nests sway,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">only there does he un-ply his shiny bill</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">and sing.</span></div>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-49054685134749197022012-06-10T16:46:00.000-05:002012-06-17T07:08:14.975-05:00Obsession: What if you just own it?<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" height="395" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center; width: 615px;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_wJy0bm16S0/T9J2BjIAUEI/AAAAAAAAAN8/RgR4dtGXufo/s1600/sherlock1x01.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="360" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_wJy0bm16S0/T9J2BjIAUEI/AAAAAAAAAN8/RgR4dtGXufo/s640/sherlock1x01.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Sherlock in Añjali Mudrā</b></span></i> </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">OK, I’m obsessed with
Sherlock and I’m feeling some symptoms of withdrawal--moody, edgy, sad.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">There are only 6 episodes
(so far) and I’ve seen all of them twice and the pilot.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">It all started when I was
just wandering through TV channels, which I hardly ever do, but this show caught my
eye. I jumped in and out of the
last half of the last episode of the first season in a re-run on PBS.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">That night I dreamt about
his hair, the luscious dark curls in my fingers, against my lips . . .</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">I awoke with a start and
realized that I was remembering someone from 30 years prior who bore a striking resemblance to the actor playing Sherlock and someone with whom I had
been in an off-and-on correspondence of late. Oh! Are kisses
what I’m wanting, what I’m hoping for with 30-years-ago guy? </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Gah, so, yes. And I get to watch myself doing
it. I had already told myself the
reasons for contacting T. (30-years-ago-guy) was that he reminded me of my college years, those
dreamy and unreal four years when I got to be immersed in the heady pursuit of
literature and my confused approach to boys. And a few years back, when I was feeling dissatisfied with
my life, I Googled him and found that he was teaching English at an Ivy League
college. I read an excerpt of a
book he’d written and heard his voice through it again, funny and erudite. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">I cried. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">He also had reviewed some
poets I didn’t know and as I began to read them, that old feeling that I had
set aside for so long came back, that excitement of deciphering the meaning of
language, the flowing power of a wash of images in verse, the tones, the colors
. . . . </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">At that time I was on the
edge of joining MySpace and a circle of supportive writers. Finding T. again helped me realize the
direction that I wanted for my life, what I had been missing.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">I contacted him. We hadn’t been lovers, but I had fond
memories of him. We were
friends. He liked my poetry. I loved hanging out with him and
listening to him talk. That may
sound odd, but he was extremely smart and I liked to have him explain
philosophy and literature in ways that were quite foreign to my brain. I thanked him for indirectly
encouraging me to write again after a decade or so hiatus. He had fond memories of me as well, but
that was the end of it. I could
see that at that time, I wanted him to help me, to be my editor, perhaps, or
somehow help me get published. I
didn’t ask him directly, but I sent him some of my poems and then heard nothing
back. I let it go.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Then my boyfriend of 7
years broke up with me, my mother died, my dogs died. I tried to make a relationship happen with an alcoholic with
whom I initially thought I could just be a friend. I think I may finally be over that notion, but I’ve started
up this little thing with someone from 30 years ago. In December, I found some art he had done and sent me on a
postcard from 1983. I scanned it
and sent it to him. I had to
wonder about my intentions and I decided that he would either decide that I was
a creepy stalker, or be thrilled.
He was thrilled. At that time I was just starting to teach myself to
draw and very enthusiastic about it.
He wrote back and told me that he realized that abandoning his Art was a
mistake and he wanted to get back to it.
I said yesyesyesyes! And
then nothing for another 4 months.
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">In April, T. sent me a
short email that he was in his garden and thinking about me. What? I let three weeks pass before I responded. I wasn’t doing so hot at the time. My back was out and I was having an
unhappy spring. I sent him a longer
message and some drawings. And that
flirtatious energy came up. Even though I knew I had a good chance of being
very foolish, it still felt good.
T. had been kind to me in the distant past. There was no enmity between us; he had rescued me from a
verbally abusive relationship when I asked him. Did I wish to be rescued again? </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">And then Sherlock showed
up: tall, thin, pale, dark curls, incredibly smart. I got psychologically confused. I knew that I was making up a fake romance with T., almost
as I had with the online alcoholic, with even less; I was just working off a couple of emails this time. What are you doing!? But Sherlock as a doppelganger to T. was
a lovely distraction. I could come
home from a crap day at work and know that he’d be there in a blue dressing
gown, or Saville Row suit, petulant and dark and dashing, challenging me to
think, observe, figure it out. I shifted my possible obsession with T. to a TV
show. But now it’s over, well at
least until new episodes come out next year. And, by owning it, my obsessive
nature, that need to make up romance, I just get to say: Yes!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KTnOjtLYGgI/T9VD-khI9ZI/AAAAAAAAAOI/17E8RmtmWeg/s1600/yes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KTnOjtLYGgI/T9VD-khI9ZI/AAAAAAAAAOI/17E8RmtmWeg/s400/yes.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A rather blue still from "Third Star"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-48773107909862852912012-06-08T22:50:00.000-05:002012-06-08T22:50:01.980-05:00Swan in the Rushes<div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<div>
<i><span style="font-size: large;">what vein would I bleed free</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">to see your brown eyes close,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">lidded like a starless night,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">a new moon silence.</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">2 to 3 cc is all I need,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">really.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">I am still the same girl</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">I used to be.</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Somehow we made it</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">to Bloomington</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">and back;</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Now, I would go to Tallahassee,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">shoot up anything,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">a mirror,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">if only we could talk about</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Mr. Calvin</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">again.</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">My knowledge of Bossa Nova,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">the deep yellow coreopsis,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">or the sheer silk polka</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">dots: oh, don’t bother, they</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">won’t change your mind.</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">A gift beyond price.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Can’t you feel it?</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">The milk still gets</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">through.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Echoing through</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">stainless walls,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">plastic lines.</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">I’m lost.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">I</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">am complete.</span></i></div>
</div>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-58925413739831513572012-06-03T13:17:00.002-05:002012-06-08T17:11:35.590-05:00Goodnight, Vienna<i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">A dragon drapes</span></i>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">between us,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">silken,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">powder blue.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">The bottom leaves, </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">you said,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">particularly.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">I hadn’t</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">given them much </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">thought, until</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">you said you</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">liked them</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">especially</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">well.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Yes, the leaves on</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">the bottom right.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">You apologize</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">for your cigarette,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">trying to hold it</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">alee;</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">but I like the smoke,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">the must of old twigs</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">and leather</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">burning beyond stone fences</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">we rode for ponies</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">those years ago.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes when I draw,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">I feel the anxiety,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">the hurry to get to the end,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">and I notice my hand moving</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">faster, automatically.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Those leaves </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">fanning from the stem</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">were an afterthought,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">quickly spilled out.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">And holding me, now,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">you bring your hand</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">to the soft petal peony</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">of my breast,</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">and drip some sweet poison in my ear.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">And I won’t even wait</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">for your glasses</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">to come off</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">to kiss you</span></i><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">goodnight</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;">goodnight.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-47802030545603852482012-05-28T20:24:00.000-05:002012-05-29T16:54:52.916-05:00Splendid Whatever<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>The moths wing against the
blinds, punctuating the silence.</i></span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>I’m doing it again, what
I’ve always done;</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>trying to gauge what you
want so you will find me lovable.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>I picture you as you were
at that wedding</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>and dream of your hair all night,</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>bury my fingers into the
dark loam of curls</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>and bring them to my lips,</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>sweet lime and linden and sweat.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>In the morning I smooth
the sheets</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>and wonder about your skin, </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Could I still glide my
hand so freely down your back?</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>You have a picture of me,
too, somewhere,</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>red-cloaked in distress:</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>The big bad wolf will eat
me alive, can I come </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>to your room and hide?</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Wurbly Wurbly Wurbly cried
the Robin Sentinels.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Lilac trees plumed thin
and yellow-white by your door.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>You let me in.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>You entertained me with
masks and stardusts</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>and velvety cream pastels.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>You slept on the floor and
I on the bed.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Toms troubled the alley
and thunder rumbled far away,</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>but sleep blanketed us in softly tufted
counterpanes.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Tell me, now, has the
grass grown tall? </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Do you brush against the
stalks,</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>caressing the flush of the
seed heads</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>as they seethe so warm and
summer green?</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-82979526226591216962012-05-06T19:28:00.001-05:002012-05-06T19:28:41.594-05:00at Key West<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<style>
p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: Times; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }
</style>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">I’ve invited the Murphy’s over later </span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">for cocktails and I’m trying to choose </span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">a dress, going up and down stairs.</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">The glass chandelier trembles</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">in a sudden hot gust off the ocean.</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">On a circuit back up</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">you grab my thigh from behind</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">and I snap,</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">“Not now!”</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Immediately regretting it</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">as you stump away,</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">off to drink, I suppose.</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Upstairs I slump in front</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">of the armoire</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">and fold to the bed,</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">the white chenille,</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">vainly brushing my hand</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">against the swell of my breasts,</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">my belly,</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">closing my eyes,</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">once again</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">to curl close to the soft,</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">sweet <span></span>mat of your
hair,</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">to kiss the tea-green light</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">of your eyes.</span></i></b></div>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-85551636925902290652012-04-23T21:19:00.000-05:002012-04-23T21:19:48.128-05:00In Spring<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: inherit;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">Gathering pea shoots,<br /> I recall your green silk dress<br /> and cold jade necklace.</span></span></i></h6>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-880716367641540716.post-26265990029511309212012-04-08T21:34:00.000-05:002012-04-08T21:49:56.073-05:00Post-op<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I wake up there is stainless steel and screaming.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I try to open my mouth to see if it’s me. I guess not.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wonder if I can move, if I have a morphine drip.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She keeps coming at me in her lily dress, so white in the
blazing sun.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I keep firing.
But she pops up again and again, getting closer until</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can reach out and touch her dress,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
a beautiful beating blossom of blood from her breast.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We put up a light in the front yard. I go to ask my dad if we can turn it
off so I can see the stars tonight.
“Nah, we got some people camping and they are less than enchanted with
us already. All’s we need is for
them to trip and fall in the dark and sue us.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He’s at his workbench in the garage, plywood and two by
fours stained with oil and grease.
“Here, unplug this. The
cord goes there. See? There.” I
look at the maze of pegboard traced with outlines like bodies. He hands me a couple of Kennedy
half-dollars. They go in the Amoco
oilcan.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Talk about brain-injury. Lady Bird saw Jackie like a coverlet of pink blossoms over
the President. Something gray on
the trunk of the limo, something darker staining her lithe suit, her face.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We shoulda named you Jack.” Mother says as she fills the sinks with the beans I
planted. On the poles they got
almost as tall as saguaros out West. Green,
yellow, purple. They don’t mind
the sand if they get enough water.
A hoot owl and white crested blackbird tore out of the cedar. The owl landed on a power line, it’s
white chest feathers glowing golden white in the warmth of the setting
sun. I started to hoot at it until
Mother scolded me: “It’s back luck
to mock the owl. It will call
sorrow to your name.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I look at my IV’d hand. That must have been something when they figured that
out: a plastic line to your veins
that could be capped and rehooked for each new drip. What if my vein collapsed? When they went to have Theo put down, the vet couldn’t find
a vein. He couldn’t walk anymore;
everything seemed to be folding up in him. Black cats spied in on us from the top of the cubicle walls
and then the poison finally went to his heart. A great gush of blood flooded from his nose and mouth. I crushed his bloody, furry face to my
neck. I cried like a baby.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I can’t walk, I want to be put down. Couldn’t they just let me know
now? I’d do it myself. I’d give myself the shot. I’d stab it right in my heart. I wonder if I can lift my hand at all?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I brought Mother yellow roses that she loved and the
spearmint that was in bloom then.
“The Harrison rose wants pruning every year. Cut it back hard, or it won’t bloom,” she was picking at
some imaginary lint on the stitching rows of her quilt. They offered me a book on dying, so I’d
know what to expect, the stages, the steps, but I didn’t want to know. Every couple of days I saw a quilt covered gurney rolling out. I didn't need a book to tell me what that meant. Mother smiled at me with her blue eyes
shining, “You are my light.” I
gave her some mint blossoms to hold, to smell, to remember all the
summers. She inhaled them deeply
and then began to pick at the quilt again, like at potato bugs or Mexican bean
beetles, bright yellow against the broad green leaves.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Blood goes to the site of the trauma. If it leaks out, it’s like acid to the
tissue around it; whole sections of the brain could drown, connections break
down. I looked at the bruised
yellow back of my hand where the IV was taped. Someday they’ll drip nano bits into the blood stream, some
kind of mini-chip will run through the body, assessing, repairing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mother had a bad dream. A wooden beam was slowly lowering down on her head. She couldn’t lift it up. It was crushing her. I was staying with her when I could, on
a cot in her room. I slept with a
rose on my pillow. One blossom
always seemed to fall off any bouquet I brought her. I liked to think it was my true love longing to be with me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I rolled her bed outside in a little courtyard where the
finches and sparrows chattered. It
was nearing autumn; the fuzzy sumacs blazed against the bright yellow of the
gumweed while the pines and popples whispered above. Far off a red-tailed hawk circled, sighting for mice.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mother began to cry.
I thought she was crying because she was sad that she was dying, but she
said through her tears, “It’s all
so beautiful.”</div>Miss Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13659603837343456631noreply@blogger.com10